Baggage and blank pages.

Yep. I got me some.

Particularly when it comes to writing.

I fret and fret before anything ever gets on a page--and consequently--NOTHING gets on a page.

I wrote my master's thesis in three weeks.

I wrote my dissertation in about the same length of time.

I don't recommend it.

There were days that I wrote while releasing a sustained guttural moaning--every exhalation carried the sound of my fears and anxiety.

There were days that I talked what I wrote--carrying on a conversation with my fingers.

Sometimes, I would just laugh, LAUGH through some points--usually the points at which I felt the most like a sham.

But IT. GOT. DONE. And some of it got done well.

I've got an article coming out this fall--my coauthor will tell you she had to push and prod to get me to submit my edits. Sure, part of that was the immensity of everything on my plate this winter--but part of it was the paralyzing dread of facing the blank page on the screen.

Sometimes when it gets to horrific, I walk away and pick up a legal pad instead. That has always seemed to help keep things moving forward.

I guess this blog functions in that manner. I mean, I'm technically writing. And it's flowing pretty easily, actually. Perhaps the biggest success of giving over to the A-Z challenge is reminding myself kinesthetically what writing feels like.

Yesterday, after I launched (re-launched?) this blog again, I was chatting online with one of my former students, and riffing on my writer's block blues. He said to me "why don't you take your own advise?"

...

I was so caught up on the dissonance of those blues that I couldn't imagine what he was talking about.

So he reminded me of the words that I have often passed along: you can edit crap. you can't edit a blank page.

So I'll just get on with it.

About Time: or, Alphabet Soup

So.

I'm currently in Northern California, attending an awesome ensemble theatre festival (check out foolsfury.org for more info on the Fury Factory)--and I should be writing...well, several things, frankly.

And I've been doing anything but.

Including resurrecting this blog. It seems fitting that my last entry was also on the summer solstice--two years ago. Two years is a long time, and so much has happened. But the gift of this summer is letting some of what has passed, well...stay in the past. It's time to move forward, without unnecessary burdens. And its about time.

One of the burdens I'm hoping to set down is the burden of writing right. Having a noisome internal editor who craves perfection like sugar or crack can be crippling. It's that kind of writer's block that leaves words and phrases rattling around in the echo chamber of your brain, and seems to get particularly inspired when your physically incapable of writing those phrases down--like when you're in the shower, or on the road.

It is so easy to be defeated by it--but I'm choosing to no longer be the victim of my internal editor.

So, I'm poaching an idea from an old friend, who recently completed an A-Z blog challenge--and challenging myself to write an entry a day for the next 26 days (one entry for each letter of the alphabet) in order to jump start the habit of a daily writing practice.

And since it has been two years since I've written anything here, I'm going to assume that it's a false accountability...still, somewhere in the ether, the tally is now set at ONE.

Wallpaper:

...the devil's foray into home decorating.

I've been plugging away this week at stripping the wallpaper out of the downstairs bedroom at my dad's house. It used to be my grandparent's bedroom; they built this house in 1973, and it was the original wallpaper. Old, inexpensive, and a pain in the patooty to get off the walls. However: success! All of the wallpaper is gone, and half the walls have been cleaned in preparation for painting.

This little renovation project is serving a dual purpose in my world. One: it prepares the room to either be an office/guestbedroom (as I'm tricking it out at the moment); or, when my dad gets around to hiring a contractor to put a shower in the downstairs bathroom that won't compromise you if you drop the soap (the one in there now is WEE!), he can move downstairs, which will save him money heating the house in the winter.

Two: in about six months, I'll be moving into my very own home--mortgage and all. Doing this kind of (tedious) work on my dad's house has helped me feel a little more prepared for owning my own place. I figure, if I can handle doing this kind of work without freaking out, I can cope with being a homeowner. Okay, the logic works in my world--perhaps not anyone else's, but whatever.

So this week will hold:
Monday: finish prepping the walls for paint, paint the ceiling
Tuesday: Tear the carpet out (mmmm. bright blue carpet--buh-BYE! Make way for hardwood flooring!).
Wednesday: Paint the walls, trot the carpet off to the Transfer Station.
Thursday: Second coat? and Ryan, Alicia, and I get a lesson on laying hardwood floors.
Friday: Floors!

On Monday, the futon arrives--just in time for me to move down from the upstairs bedroom so my brother and the boys have a place to sleep. I'm leaving it to my brother to move the computer and its accoutrement out of the living room and into the office--and also leaving him the task of organizing my father in business matters, etc.

I think it's a pretty fair division of duties!

However, my top priority at this moment: SHOWER!

I stink.

It's Been a While...

It's been a while
since I've been here to update....

and it's been a while
since I've been inventive in the kitchen

It's been a while
since I've felt like I could describe this space I'm in

and it's been a while
since I've felt like I could confide in any one.

But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

It's been a while
Since I've been free to do just what I want to do

It's been a while
Since I could say I love myself as well and

It's been a while
Since I haven't worried about my dad

It's been a while
Since I've been able to let all of that go

But everything I can't let go of hovers around me and it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've lost sight of what I can be if I want to be

Why must i feel this way?
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day

Its been awhile
Since I could look at myself
and see me uncritically
since I don't know when
It's been awhile
Since I've felt the freedom that I long to feel
It's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way it tastes
But everything I can't remember can come back to me
will come back to me
will come back to me

It's been a while....


~with apologies to Staind...

Say Cheese!

Every month, my family tries to do "family dinner." It's about gathering together--but it's also about trying new recipes, and spending time creating in the kitchen. Each month we try a different theme: we've done everything from Chinese New Year to "things on sticks".

This month's theme is wine and cheese, (my mother got the Tillamook Cheese Cookbook for Christmas) and we're also using it as a little celebration of my stepfather's 75th birthday.

My mother, sister-in-law and I search for recipes that sound fun, that we want to try, and that my nephews will (most likely) eat while still enhancing both their skills in the kitchen and their inclinations toward new foods.

This month, I'm in charge of "befores" and "afters"--the appetizer and dessert. Before-sies is pretty simple (we always have too much food, and with cheese as our "Iron Chef" ingredient, the trick is to keep things as light as possible), so I'm just doing an herbed brie fondue with crackers and apples. But dessert....

Here in the desert, we've had a very mild winter--despite rain the last two days, and more expected come Monday. Which means that the citrus trees have been very happy. My friend Justine has a lemon tree that has been producing in large quantities, so last weekend I decided to try a new recipe. I took the resulting cheesecake into the office for feedback--and actually got a marriage proposal from the endeavor--from an avouched bachelor. (Don't worry, I was generous, and chalked it up to a temporary loss of wits due to my culinary skills.)

Since I still have quite a few lemons, I decided to make it again for tonight. As cheesecakes go, it's a surprisingly light dessert--and the lemon curd gives it a freshness and zing that I think clears the palate beautifully.

You want the recipe? Here it is:

Lemon Curd Marbled Cheesecake

Lemon Curd:
1 teaspoon finely grated fresh lemon zest (I probably use a little bit more than that--like 3 small lemons worth)
1/2 cup fresh lemon juice (from those same lemons--it worked out perfectly today!)
1/1 cup sugar
3 eggs
1/4 cup butter

Whisk together the zest, juice, sugar and eggs in a saucepan. Add butter and cook over medium low heat, whisking frequently, until the curd thickens so you can see the tracks of the whisk, and it JUST starts to bubble. Pour the curd into a shallow dish to cool. If you're going to make the cheesecake right away, you can cool it uncovered; if you make the curd the night before, cover it by pressing wax paper onto the surface, and stick it in the fridge.

The original recipe says to force the curd through a fine-mesh sieve on its way to the shallow pan, but I just use a super small zesting grater, so that's not necessary for me.

Now, for the Crust:
1 and 1/3 cups finely ground graham cracker crumbs (I actually usually use ginger thins, because I like the zing the ginger gives to a cheesecake crust)
1/3 cup sugar
3/4 teaspoon salt
5 Tablespoons butter, melted

Preheat the oven to 350.
Stir together the "dry" crust ingredients. (NB: I go a little shy on the sugar--and then I add a dry spiced chai mix--which is mostly sugar and spices. Again, zing.) Drizzle in melted butter so the crumbs begin to hold together. Press the crumb mixture into the bottom of the springform pan until you have an even layer of crust. Put the pan in a shallow pan to bake (sometimes the butter from the crust mixture leaks out the bottom of the springform pan, and this keeps it from dripping on the oven. I hate cleaning ovens. Seriously.) Bake for 10 minutes, then remove and put pan on a rack to cool.

And Now...the Cheese portion of our cheesecake:

3 8-ounce packages of cream cheese, softened
1 cup sugar
3 eggs
3/4 cup sour cream
1 teaspoon vanilla

If you're making the cheesecake all in the same day, if you put the cheesecake on or near your stovetop as you're doing everything else, it's just about the perfect softness to work with when you get to this point. If it's too firm, mixing it is a pain in the ass.

Set the oven back to 300 degrees.

Beat the cream cheese and sugar together with an electric mixer until smooth. Then add the eggs one at a time. (Last year, a pastry chef at a cooking demo shared that she liked to work with all her ingredients at room temperature, and that eggs should always be added one at a time. I don't know why, but it works--you get a much smoother product). Beat in the sour cream and vanilla. (Today, I discovered I was out of vanilla, so I substituted a half teaspoon of lemon extract.)

Pour about two thirds of the cheese mixture into the cooled crust. Then spoon about half the lemon curd on top of that. Take a knife and make pretty swirlies through the curd--but don't let the knife hit the crust below. Repeat this with the remaining cheese and curd.

Bake the cheesecake until its set to about 1 and a half inches from the edge--the center should still be a little loosey goosey. It'll set while it's cooling. The baking time is about 45-50 minutes. Transfer the pan to a cooling rack, and cool there for about two hours, then transfer to the fridge and let it cool at least f hours before serving.

It sounds intense, but it really is an easy recipe. And I love love love the results.

And Life Goes On...

Yesterday was momentous. I hope to take some time today to really write down my thoughts more cogently.

Monday was momentous in a different way. My 90 year old grandfather passed away peacefully in his sleep early Monday morning. He had been in extreme pain for about a month (the level of pain prior to that is hard to discern), but was lucid nearly to the end. When he finally decided he had fought long and hard enough, and he let go, he found peace. He was an amazing man, and my last living grandparent. I will miss him, and miss sharing more of my life's adventures with him. It's been hard not to be there to help my dad and aunts and uncle sort through things, but simultaneously it has been nice to not be swamped in it, and to be able to attend to all the issues and energy of beginning a semester.

I actually still haven't really "taught" my theatre history of the Americas class--which meets from 9:30 to 10:45. In this time zone, that was pretty much exactly the length of the inauguration ceremony and speech. I appreciated their accommodation of my schedule. So we watched it in my class as a study of the performance of American Identity. Right.

It was pretty amazing to watch with so many first-time voters, with so many that had never watched an inauguration before. Granted, I hadn't watched the last couple, but I remember watching Clinton's--and actually, I remember Reagan's second one, too. My students were shocked by how much of the arts were represented, by Aretha, by probably the most fabulous quartet possible, by poetry....it should be an interesting discussion on Thursday.

It was also pretty amazing that one of my colleagues brought her scene painting class to join mine. It was great to experiences with the students--but I didn't realize how much more momentous it was to share with someone around my age, who had a similar understanding of the politics of the last two decades. I think we both appreciated the fact that Obama's speech acknowledged the work ahead (which oddly enough made the budget meeting I had later that afternoon much less depressing).

I need to carve out some time to write about this more, to acknowledge the history, to consolidate my friends' experiences...but for now, I have my own hard work to do.

Tea Time

While I did accomplish a thing or two thus far today, I still have quite a bit on the list of things that still need doing.

However, I decided to abandon the office at around four this afternoon, swing by the library to pick up a book that I'm contemplating using for one of my classes, and then came home and made myself some tea.

Honest to goodness, old-school tea. Loose leaves and bits, in my new teapot that has a slick little silver warmer-cover. And I'm drinking it from a Haviland demitasse, no less.

I'd feel a lot more elegant if I weren't in my sweats.

This time of year, I really like to drink hot beverages throughout the day--and frankly, the coffee is beginning to get to me. So...tea. Granted, my favorite at the moment is still a black tea, but it's a mandarin black tea, with these great little curls of mandarin peel in it.

I'm still learning the trick of steeping the tea for just the right amount of time--too long, and it gets bitter.

But there's something lovely about the ritual of tea to me right now, so I'll embrace the process of learning.